Here are some humorous and witty quotes about marriage and relationships. Pick a saying for a Valentine’s Day card, add one to a speech at a wedding or as a little anniversary joke. They work for husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends….and single people!
Funny and Witty Marriage Quotes
“Communication,” said the husband on his 10th anniversary, “is the key to a happy marriage. When I talk, she listens. When she talks, I listen. And when we both talk – the neighbors listen.” - Anonymous
Whoever says marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn’t know the half of it. – Anonymous
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess, 20th-century writer
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G.K. Chesterton, 19th/20th-century writer
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. – Cass Daley, 20th-century actress
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age –as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller, comedian
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards. –Benjamin Franklin, 18th-century writer and inventor
Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other, to let her have it. –Lyndon B. Johnson, 36th U.S. president
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house. – Jean Kerr, 20th-century humorist
Marriage is a mistake that every man should make. – George Jessel, comedian
We both said “I do” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since. – Stuart Mackenzie (played by Mike Myers) toasting his wife for their 30th wedding anniversary in the film So I Married an Axe Murderer
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. – Shirley MacLaine, actress
Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking, but you are getting sweeter. – N.D. Sice
Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. – Sydney Smith, 18th/19th-century writer
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. – Mae West, actress
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, 18th/19th-century poet
These funny quotes can be great for a Valentine’s Day card, scrapbooking, or making a speech about married life at a wedding or anniversary party. Or just pass them on to friends and family by email or twitter to ponder what it is to be married.
Also check out Loving Marriage Quotes and Sayings, Inspirational Quotes about Love and Romance, Romantic and Sweet Quotes and Sayings and How to Write a Love Journal.
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Tami Nicholson - Tami is the Topic Editor for Parenting Methods at Suite101. She is a mother of two with a background in education and journalism.
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